grandeurlancerasino:

You’ve been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it’s taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You’re the only one that I want

I don’t know why I’m scared, I’ve been here before
Every feeling, every word, I’ve imagined it…

(Source: lajvja)

My complicated family situation has caused me to be less than sentimental about things most people seem to get really emotional about. I consider myself to be an incredibly empathetic, compassionate person, almost to a fault most of the time and especially when it comes in doing spirit of volunteerism along with emotional exhaustion, ‘bout PEPA/AYLINM/MY PARTNER :LAJ, MY CAREER IN LIFE ETC.,. I really do not have an emotional attachment to any of my family members. Due to Life’s ups and downs the ties have been cut at various points, and I have protected my heart by remaining detached.

Most of the time I am okay with all of this. I have created my own “family”. I have incredible trusted few friends, a loving - faithful partner “LANCER MADERAL ASINO”  and a whole bunch of youth leaders like me: whose more than enough of an emotional commitment. Today is a little different. I am not really feeling good about my detachment. I am actually feeling quite a bit of uneasiness. Afraid of losing someone’s very important to my life.

It actually sort of frightens me when I realize how large the wall is that I have built around myself. Rationally, I know that this is simply a coping mechanism I developed while living in the unstable home I grew up in. “Don’t get attached to anyone who appears to love you because they may leave and break your heart.” This was a good strategy in the past, but I’m older now and I have come to terms with the events of my childhood til now. I don’t feel the anger I once did. I am at peace with the harm that was done to me. I know that I am the person, a friend of I am today because of the sometimes horrific events that shaped me, but where do I go from here? Do I keep the wall up and just go on with the new life I have created, or do I try to go back and mend wounds that maybe don’t need to be revisited?

I tend to have a personality flaw of believing I know everything there is to know. This arrogance got me out of the nightmare I grew up in by giving me a drive to succeed on my own, but now I may need to soften the edges I have worked so hard to keep strong and stable. In Denial.

I guess I am posting this to release a weight I have on my heart right now.

Maybe someday I will feel a stronger urge to reach out to my family and most especially to my one and only palaka LAJ, and form a new connection with them, but until then I will send good thoughts out to them and have faith that they will understand and respect my reasoning for staying away (referring to my family).

Life is a strange thing, and as I grow and age I feel like I have far more questions then I do answers.

One thing’s for sure, I ONLY LOVE AND GIVES IMPORTANCE TO ONE PERSON - IT’S LANCER, COMES FIRST OF ALL.

10.01.2012

LOVE KO NIMO? - ambigous statement… it may mean… are you satisfied? or you want more of me?? it doesn’t necessarily means love per se… yes its inappropriate to ask that question in a short-term affair basis.. it’s like you’re insulting or doubting your partner’s love on you but it’s also a nice way of asking for caress, validation or affirmation… from my point of view…it’s not a wrong question… perhaps, it’s just a matter of qualifying the question.. . otherwise known as I don’t wanna lose you! Now you know, palaka LANCER ASINO JAMIS ..

Mobile snatching has become a really big problem in the Philippines, since the last few years it has increased tremendously. People are afraid (I guess but indeed, ironic to some) to use their cell phones on the streets or public places, they all have the fear of getting (to some) it snatched away, that’s why many people don’t buy expensive phones these days. The case also happened to me as well.

When pauwi na kami from MOGHS to Cogon para ihatid si PALAKA, may nag appear bigla sa harapan namin at hinablot ang cellphone ng partner (naka hang sa neck niya, inside the cell pouch), buti nalang di kami nag panic! What we did, we fought back! Two against one! Hinampas ng partner ko ang bag sa kumuha ng cel, while di ko binitawan ang kamay ko sa paghawak sa damit ng snatcher para di maka alis! Ang focused namin is to get back the cell na andun sa kamay ng snatcher! Buti nalang, SINUNTOK NI PALAKA si snatcher while sinontok dala sipa sa paa ko naman ang snatcher para mapalayo samin, buti nalang nakuha namin ang cell at siya’y napatakbo palayo! Sad thing was nasuntok sa mukha si palaka L.A habang ako may pasa at suntok sa dibdib pero di bale, ang importante safe kaming dalawa at ang cellphone ng partner ko!

This incident gives credence to the line, No good deed goes unpunished. . I know that’s not really true, but some days it seems like the criminals have the upper hand. However, when it comes to protecting cell phones, we all need to be more proactive. Look after your cell phone as carefully as you care for your wallet. If you must use it to store confidential information, use password protection.

10.01.2012

Don’t you know that you are someone worth keeping, someone worth caring and most of all someone worth loving ? I want and I need you. I love you and I can never ask for more than you. You stayed with me all the time, when most of the time I failed to show how much you mean to me. I have hurt you not just once, but many times. Despite that, your love for me from the beginning has never changed until now. There were times when pressure in life just came unexpectedly that I really wanted to give up because it seems like I could not handle it any longer. I could hardly put myself back together again but you were there to lift me up by giving me the courage and the strength I needed to keep on going.

You were there for me and never tired of loving me. You have been through a lot because of me and I just cannot afford to make a mess out of my life once again because I don’t want to see you get hurt anymore. Your love for me is one of a kind and you deserve the same kind of love. I have loved you so much but now I am sure, I love you even more. Not more, most. Well, to infinity and beyond. Forever and always baby. Remember what I said ? I love you because you mean everything to me. You’re the ONE AND ONLY person Ive ever loved and the first person who has ever truly loved me, deeply. You’re the one who makes happiness happen in my life, that’s why I love you.

Hope that whatever conflict arises (misunderstandings, shortcomings, flaws) between our relationship, you and I be still there, holding on.. be strong for both of us, palaka lancer, okey?

I may have said I hated you, but you know that wasnt true. Thats just the ego and angry side of me. You know I love you, I will never stop loving you. I hope this letter made you happy, I love you baby. See you tmr and pleasepleaseplease REMIND me to get a picture of us. I love you, PALAKA LANCER MADERAL JAMIS! Advance Happy 7th monthsary L.A.

I TRUST YOU AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES OUR RELATIONSHIP GETTING FIRM AND EVEN STRONGER THAN BEFORE!

LOVE AU TAKA LANCER - VJA

Do you still remember how we’ve met? How I caught your attention on me? Remember the feeling of my first stolen kiss to you?

Definitely YES!

From the day I told you, “I LOVE YOU” I was certain that I’m IN LOVE!!! but never can imagine that I am madly, deeply and insanely IN LOVE with loving you! And up to this moment, I could still feel the KILIG and HAPPINESS that you brought me when you told me “AKOA RAKA HAPF, PALAKAAA JUD KA BUH?!!, NO NO CRY2X VJA, KISS KO NGUSO VEH, PALAKA OIP!!!, GUGMAAN KAU KO NIMU PAO NKU, VJA AKOA RKA PLEASE, NOW I KNOW BONDING MAKES THE RELATIONSHIP STRONGER - I LOVE YOU VJA - YOU COMPLETED MY DAY, PALAKA I LOVE YOU, LOVE TIKA PALAKA, PALAKA LOVE TAKA - DI KO MAGBAKAK NIMO, PALAKA NAGWAT KA - I MISS YOU, I LOVE YOU PALAKA NJUH, AKOA RKA HAP PLS?, LUB AU KA NKU, PALAKA PLS. DRINK MEDICIONE - GUOL NA NUON KO DAH - TEXT BAYA DAUN PALAKA - F MAKA LOD NAKA HAP - GIHIGUGMA TKA PAG AU VJA, IKAW NALANG AKO, KCUTEEEEEEEEEEE, I LOVE YOU PALAKA VJA - I WILL AND ALWAYS BE YOUR LAJ. AM YOURS KCUTE .. GUGMAAN KAU KO NIMO PAO NKU AND SO ON AND SO FORTH” PALAKA VJA, PAO CUH, PALAKA, .. ALWAYS REMEMBER LAJ NGA LOVE NA LOVE AU TAKA.. YAW BAYA KO BIYA E PLEASE!!!

Everytime I remember these things, gaka huna2 ko nga love jud diay ko nimo. ka swerte nako na ako taka LANCER! While nag blog ko ani nga content, gakahinay sad kog hilak kay mahadlok ko mawala ka or makuha sa uban, di na ko kaya mawala ka palaka! Pasayloa ko sa pagka saputon “NAGGER”. U mean so much to me! Akoa raka hapf please L.A?! please! I don’t wanna lose you, not a second time around! I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU SINCE THE DAY I COURT YOU, PALAKA LAJ =’<

Thanks for everything .. even how busy you are on your studies, how tired you are.. you’re always there for me… for giving me the reason to discover the true meaning of love. For accepting the ‘ugly-side’ of me (admit it, we don’t look good every time) and for loving me just the way I wanted to. Sorry for the pain I caused you, sorry for being so hard and stone-headed a lot of times.. I’ve never expected for this feeling to rule over me and I am so glad you came into my life. I’ve never been happier like this before. Honestly, I appreciate all what you have done and said to me! Thanks for understanding me and for the patience as well.

VJA LOVES LAJ SO MUCH!!!!!

Many trials, problems, complications, and people that will try to break us apart but I know we can stand all of it as long as we have each other, love each other and hold each others heart.

Thank you for all your love and care. For your support no matter what. For making me feel good when I don’t. For never leaving my side. For loving me despite being a handful and my imperfections. For never giving up on me. But most especially for staying even though there had been a lot of moments that I’ve tried pushing you away.

I’m sorry if there are times when I become moody. For the times that I argue with you. For all those moments that we wasted fighting. For being such a hot tempered partner. For being selfish at times. For not giving you the relationship you would have expected. But I’m mostly sorry for pushing you away.

I know we’ve had a lot of ups and downs this past month (more than we actually should), but just like you said, it’s apart of being in a relationship right? There would be times that we may misunderstand, but I promise you in the end we’ll still make up like we always do. Because I have no plans on leaving you just yet.

I love you more than you’d ever know and more than my words could ever express. And yes, it may seem like I try to give up at times, but only because it’s what I think is best for not just me but you as well. But like I promised you, “be strong for both of us”. I will always love you and I will always be here for you no matter what. Even if we break up (but I hope it will not and never happen), I just want you to know that I care a lot about you. And it’s not going to change that easily. Especially since you’ve changed my perspective about a lot of things. You’re the only one that I really want right now, palaka LANCER. And hoping that we would last. I love you. Please always remember that? okey?Yaw ko biya e pleaseeee!

I have learned that if you expect your friends to act the way you would act, you will always be disappointed. If on the other hand, you don’t worry about it, you will be happier and you will always have friends because people like to be around happy people. That being said, if a friend is doing something that really bothers you, you can always sit down with them face to face and talk about why it bothers you. Just remember that that could cost you or change the dynamic of the friendship.

Yet, It’s ok to be annoyed when people don’t do things the way you think they should be done, but it’s very counterproductive to hold onto it. Your friends are people, they have preferences and quirks (as do you) and it might just be that they feel secure enough in their friendship with you to voice their preferences. I think you might be taking it all a bit too personally, and misinterpreting your feelings of disappointment into some sort of insult on their part.

I’m often disappointed. But what are the options? To not have friends. I try to be forgiving, and to know where the dealbreaker is for me. If they break the deal, so be it. Most don’t. They’re just not as good friends I would want them to be, and that’s really my issue, not theirs.

I can’t control what people think. I’m not trying to manipulate people’s thoughts or sentiments. I write all the time, sleep, watch naruto and updating songs on my genre. They have to experience life, make observations, and ask questions. It’s machine-like how things are run now in hip-hop, and my ambitions are different.

My Palaka’s Supremacy:

He’s my best friend. He makes me feel special. He understands me. He doesn’t judge. He laughs with me. He holds me when I cry. He’s there for me. He needs me, I need him. I am not his option, I am his priority. I come first with him. He is always on my side, even when I’m wrong. He listens to me. He’s funny, cute and caring. He’s seen me at my worst & still things I’m pretty in and out of me.

I’m not texting anybody now, not dating anybody, not talking to anyone who claims that they like me… so pretty much I’m 100% committed to someone else. Enjoying my life as it is while trying to find myself, accepting changes, looking for inner peace, balancing everything, correcting my mistakes and learning from them. Hoping it’s all for the better with my partner.

- Pao A.K.A Bourge Jamis

I always tell myself this: Just because I fail once, doesn’t mean I’m going to fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, always believe in myself, because if I don’t, then who will? So I keep my head high, keep my chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about. =’}

I’m quite proud that we, Filipinos, values monthsaries. I think it goes to show how much we value loving each other. We just can’t wait for a year to paint the sky red with passion. It just doesn’t make sense to our culture of closeness and intimacy.

Like our past monthsaries, we chose to celebrate it as simple as possible and ended our days with our hands held together and kisses that are much sweeter than chocolates and candies. 

Although the efforts of one person may seem small, every act of service can have an important impact on someone … and millions of individual volunteers can create a revolution of sorts. Whatever your reason for volunteering, once involved, it’s easy to get hooked - to “catch the spirit” of community involvement.

I love volunteering.